Summary: Kelly Roche, a junior at the University of Tennessee, went on vacation in December of 2006 before finals. She visited Orlando, Fla., Las Vegas and West Palm Beach, Fla., where she attended an annual concert.
A University of Tennessee student traveled to Orlando, Fla., Las Vegas and West Palm Beach, Fla., in December of 2006. Your lead sounds too similar to the summary. How can you make the summary different?
Kelly Roche, a junior at UT, decided she needed a vacation before finals; the entire break was a spontaneous act.
"On Tuesday during my communications class I just got up and left,” Roche said. "My boyfriend was working in Vegas and staying there for free, so I figured I’d seize that opportunity. I went to Orlando to meet up with friends - with whom we all went to West Palm Beach for ‘Buzz Bake Sale’." Kelly Roche a junior at UT said.
Out of all three places visited, Roche said West Palm Beach was her Roche’s favorite.
West Palm Beach
Roche and her friends attended the Buzz Bake Sale concernt, which is an annual concert event held in West Palm Beach, featuring bands like:
Vegas
"I was with my friends having an awesome time, making some sweet memories," Roche said.
“One of her favorite memories was chasing down actor Jared Leto for some close ups. Her most memorable moment from Vegas was taking a gondola ride inside the hotel while accompanied by beautifully singing gondoliers. Is "beautifully singing" a direct quote? If so, put quote marks around it; if not, it's opinion, so leave it out.
Roche returned home on December 11th, plenty of time before finals.
3 comments:
The 4th paragraph is a little confusing. Maybe you could use a different transition than "followed by". There are a few grammatical errors, but besides that it looks really good!
Good job, overall. You use some good direct quotes.
Watch AP style, punctuation and spelling errors.
Keep up the good writing.
I have edited your Web story in the blog entry. Items in red are additions or comments; items in green are deletions.
Overall, the writing is fairly concise. You use links, bullets and subheads well. However, I think your summary sounds too much like your lead. How can you spice it up?
Continue to watch for AP style and grammar errors.
Your grade is posted on Blackboard.
Post a Comment